Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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