Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
