So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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