the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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