Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
he was CRYING into my vagina
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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