Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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