He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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