it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize