then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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