I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
