Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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