Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
