U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
