fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
