He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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