Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
