when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize