why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
