Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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