Who did Billy Mays play for?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
