you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
