Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
