turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
