Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
