Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
