I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I touched a dick in church today
Randomize
