if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
You don't make any sense
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