So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
