i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Randomize
