i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
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