Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
