My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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