he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
