I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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