I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Still dying that you shit outside
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
