I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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