What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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