Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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