Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
