You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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