the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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