you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
