I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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