if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
