just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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