I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Life is so much better after having sex.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Randomize
