She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
he told me I talked like a deaf person
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
