Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
