i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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