what day is it and did you see me today?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
