True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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