I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
sick fucks of a feather flock together
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
