The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
