i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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