i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
there's paper in my vomit.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize