We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
